I stood next to the others with my head bowed low. No, I wasn’t praying. I was refusing to look up at the people worshiping with their hands lifted high. A few had tears streaming down their faces. Their gratitude was immeasurable, their adoration sincere.
Me? I was angry at God for not coming through in my darkest hour. I was questioning His authority in light of the desperate circumstances surrounding my life. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if there even was a God on the other side of my prayers.
This season of doubt came not before I was a Christian, but after I had walked with God for years and had even been serving in vocational ministry.
I sobbed into the carpet in the privacy of my bedroom. I beat my fist against tables demanding answers. In a way, I did whatever I could to provoke a response from the silent God. I was convinced I was the only one left in the relationship He and I used to have.
One day God’s voice burst through with a violence that left me in awe. He spoke through the sermon of my pastor who reminded me that God’s glory is of the utmost importance to Him and He is willing to withhold things I want if He sees a greater glory for Him and a better good for me coming in a different way.
But the most powerful statement God made to me in that season came when He connected the dots between two stories I had failed to associate before.
John 1:29-34 tells of John the Baptist proclaiming Jesus as the promised Messiah. John had no doubts–Jesus was the One he had been waiting for. It was a day of celebration. I knew the story well.
It was Matthew 11:1-19 that I had failed to notice. The event takes place after John’s celebration in the wilderness. He’s in prison waiting to be executed. Meanwhile, Jesus is experiencing a fruitful ministry of healing and miracles. From the darkness of his prison cell John begins to doubt the identity of the One he once called the Christ. After all, why isn’t Jesus performing a miracle for him?
John sends two of his disciples to ask Jesus, “Are You really the Son of God or should we still be looking for the real deal?” The consensus among John and his friends was that maybe they got it wrong the first time.
Mind you, this is the same John of whom Jesus said, “…among those born of women there has not risen one greater than John the Baptist” (v.11). And He said that after John sent his disciples to question Jesus. Obviously, Jesus thought John’s question was understandable.
But His answer was still clear: “Blessed is he who is not offended because of Me” (v.6).
Seems like a weird thing to say. But in the original Greek the word offended means “to cause a person to distrust or desert” or “to cause to fall away.”
What Jesus was saying was, “Blessed is he who doesn’t distrust Me or walk away from Me when I don’t do what He asks.”
Inherent in that statement is a promise that God will not always answer our prayers the way we want. It lines up with what my pastor said about God choosing to say no when a greater good and better glory is on the line.
Sometimes that glory turns out to be the work God does in us through suffering. He chooses not to act in our circumstances because there is a greater work to be done in our hearts.
I still don’t have a happy resolution to the issue that caused me to doubt. I have not yet seen the greater glory. But because of the work God has done in me I know it is coming.
And, in the meantime, I’m going to choose not to be offended when God doesn’t give me what I want.
Resources…
The Prisoner in the Third Cell by Gene Edwards
Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa Terkeurst
Something Else…
Check out this video by Tenth Avenue North “By Your Side” under Explore Culture.
Shannon Primicerio likes rainy fall days accompanied by a Starbucks Caramel Apple Spice. She enjoys curling up with a book next to a roaring fire. Check out Shannon’s blog where she regularly writes about life, faith and the pursuit of the perfect hairstyle.
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I would love to hear from those of you who have wrestled with, or may be wrestling with, your own doubts. Let’s encourage each other this week!
How right you are. There was a seven year period of my life that I still praised God, prayed to Him and waited. But there were seasons on and off in those seven years that I questioned God and wondered if He cared or was even there. I am glad that you have not given up on Him and I thank you for sharing this to let others know that even the most “perfect” christian at one time or another has probably doubted God. What’s important is that we remain vigilant!!
Right now, I can foresee some situations in my life where things will probably not work out the way they have before… Thank you for this insight so that I will continue to hope, though the situation may not always look hopeful. God bless!
Rachel,
Thanks for sharing about your own season of darkness–and for sharing that it lasted for awhile. We all have seasons of darkness where we begin to question God and some of the things He does–or doesn’t do–on our behalf. I’m glad you survived your dark season with your faith intact and now you can encouarage others!
Randelle: I am so glad you found this devo right when you needed it. God is working a greater glory and a better good in your situation–I will pray you have the strength you need to get through whatever is in front of you. Thanks for your comment!
I just want to thank you for sharing with us. I am glad to know that I am not alone in situations like that. I went through a time when I wondered if God still cared or loved me because of a situation that I was going through. I learned through that situation and grew into a more mature spiritual woman. I thank God for that time that he didn’t answer the prayers I was praying because I would of been in a lot of mess if he had. We never understand why he does what he does but like you said, He is working it out for his good not ours. His thinking is much greater than ours!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us!!!
Melissa: I’m so glad to know I’m not alone in my questions!! I am so encouraged to hear how God has grown you and matured you through some of your darker times. God is always working for our btter good and His greater glory–like you, I’m glad He hasn’t answered all of my prayers
Oh wow. Nice to know that I am not the only Christian in the world that has “total doubt meltdowns”! In my life, I tend to go into doubting mode when I get “disappointed” with God. When He doesn’t come through like I think He should, I assume that He’s not there. I’ve realized, however, that this kind of thinking can really damage faith.
I love what you said about choosing not to be offended when God doesn’t give us what we want. At the root of everything, that is where my doubt stems from. I have God in a box, and it’s time to take Him out. Thanks for sharing this with us. It’s something I needed because it seems like I go through it TIME and TIME again.
Alexis: You are so right! That kind of thinking can really damage faith. We need to continually choose faith when God doesn’t follow our plans. Thanks for letting me know I”m not alone!
this is very encouraging, thank you! i’m in the midst of a very long, dry waiting season and am finding myself going between “why isn’t god working?” to “can things even change?” when all god wants is for us to be faithful.
I think we can all relate to Shannon, I think every Christian faces seasons of the same experiences. I tend to beat myelf up over similiar situations such as these. If I was a “good christian” if I was “grounded” or if I “really believed” there is a God I wouldnt have these feelings/questions/doubts etc. But then I realize the devil is working overtime! I have come to realize that some seasons will be better than others, some days will be worse than others..but when we walk with the Lord and are obedient to His Word we get through the “not so great seasons”. I have learned that with each “season” we are better equipped to handle the future as a more mature Christian. So there are always lessons to be learned and the key is to remember how to continually apply them to our lives.
~Love in Christ~
Tonya: You are so right. God just wants us to be faithful to TRUST HIM! I am praying for you in your dry season!
Jessica: You are so right. Any condemnation comes from the devil. And God can use our rough seasons to grow us and mature us. He is always at work–even when we don’t see Him!
I walked through a very tough season like the one you mentioned last year. It was the trial of my life, but I came out with a stronger relationship with God (after I stopped being angry, upset and frustrated with Him) and He has truly opened so many doors and done a work in my heart that I couldn’t have even imagined. Being in a dark place is no fun at all, but if we never go there, we won’t be able to testify of His glorious light. I don’t know the end of the story, like you, as it pertains to this particular situation, but for now, I’m counting it as just that; it has ended and I’m moving on with my life. What God has for me is for me and I have to live, breathe and believe Jeremiah 29:11 every day.
Racquel: Jeremiah 29:11 is my lifeline most days. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so glad you are holding onto God’s promises through faith!
im just gonna be honest here. i have rarely if ever read something that SO reflected myself and where i am right now. literally i sit here on the verge of tears just having read this. like you (and annie in her vlog) i have major things i pray and scream and shed blood, sweat, and tears over…. to absolutely no avail whatsoever. i AM angry. i AM frustrated, but mostly, i am hurt.
the thing that sucks the most that most days i absolutely believe in God and His existence, and His power to “move mountains”. i think it would be easier if i didn’t, because then, unanswered prayers would, you know, be expected.
but believing He IS there, just hurts me more, because i feel as though He sees me but is wholeheartedly choosing to ignore me.
i just don’t understand why God is choosing to be so “muted” (for lack of a better word) in my life. i am struggling. and hurting.
but honestly, i guess there is no other option than to say, “it’ll all be ok” even though it sounds so empty, and even though i don’t “feel” it.
i pray every day for a miracle in my life, i guess i’ll just keep doing it.
Grace: Thanks for your comment. I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Sometimes it can feel like you are the only one who ever wrestles with stuff like this. You might really enjoy reading The Prisoner in the Third Cell by Gene Edwards. He talks about the emotions John the Baptist may have wrestled with as he sat in prison awaiting execution while Jesus was out experiencing fruitful ministry. He also touches on how Jesus must have wrestled with wishing John could see the bigger picture. It’s an encouraging read!
I have tears in my eyes as I read this because you get to a point when you think your faith should be strong enough to work thru doubt. Maybe it’s more that I think I am old enough now to quit playing what at times, seems like a mind game. While I know God does not do that, in the natural, when prayers are not answered, it can seem that way.
For me, the one thing I get super hung up on is very personal and can appear vain. Still, it’s the thing that gets me with doubt. I am 47 and I struggle with body image. The worst thing is, I work out and watch what I eat and yet I cannot, for the life of me, lose about 20 pounds. I KNOW, how vain is that??!?!?!? But I have gone before the Lord numerous times about this because it never fails, I will be in a pretty good place then wham! out of no where I come across one of my tiny, cute , put together friends and I am destroyed. It saps the joy out of me, I find myself competing in my head with women I adore and love. I get moody and angry with God for this continual battle. And worse, I walk in shame for even thinking of asking God to listen to this paltry prayer.
I have confessed to the Lord that i am fearfully and wonderfully made; I know my tiny, cute friends have other issues; I know that I have a destiny and purpose that is not dependent on my body. What I don’t understand is the imminent glory He will receive in not letting htis be an issue anymore. Sometimes, I wonder if He is very aware that I may be judgemental and this keeps me in check. Other times, I think this may be what keeps me before Him about other things because I know this is trivial and in my head I weigh the importance of things.
So I sit back and wait for Him to receive His glory, lest I try to take any of it from Him. I pray for grace on this journey..and for my heart to be filled with a greater measure of grace to extend to others as well…
Well said, Shannon. Thanks for a good word
Jennifer, Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability. Some of my prayers can be very wain too. But God knows we are just dust and He cares about the things that break our hearts–that’s why even the smallest things can become a fragrant offering of praise from us to Him or a teaching tool in His hand if we allow them to be.
Great to see that you do agree that our God really does know what is best for us … for you … for me … and for all of His dearly beloved children .. and that He will never leave nor forsake anyone who has placed their hope in His Salvation … Yeshua (Jesus)
Is He not preparing us for these most interesting and trying days ahead as He prepares us to greet Him Face to face at that blessed and holy first resurrection of the dead as given to us in Revelation 20:1-6 … and then to serve Him with everlasting joy for eternity